If so, you’re definitely not alone. Research shows that 96 percent of adults talk to themselves on a regular basis. But most don’t know just what that conversation consists of.
Ask the average person what they’ve said to themselves in the past hour and the answer usually is “I have no idea.”
In truth, this seemingly simple lack of knowledge could be costing countless moments of happiness and joy. That’s because self-talk is one of the most powerful dialogues in which people engage.
Experts say that self-talk can define how we interpret life -- be it positive or negative. And knowing the difference is key to productive thinking.
So how can self-talk work in your favor?
The first step of positive self-talk is embracing a concept called mindfulness. Simply put, mindfulness is the conscious attempt to stay in the present moment.
With a routine mindfulness practice comes the ability to monitor regular thought patterns. This allows people to tune into that inner dialogue.
One of the most important parts of this process is understanding a mindfulness term called autopilot thinking. Knowing autopilot thoughts is key to developing a healthy inner dialogue.
“Autopilot is the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that occur automatically without making a conscious choice to think, feel or act a certain way,” says Dr. William Marchand, a psychiatrist, author and mindfulness teacher. “Autopilot thinking is those famous inner scripts that run through our heads like a marathon with no end. All self-talk is autopilot unless one makes a conscious decision to imitate and continue that self-talk.”
Though these thoughts are normal, some can be less than helpful. Consequently, negative autopilot thought patterns can become a habit. This is where mindfulness comes into play.
“We all have negative autopilot thoughts. For example, ‘I’m not good enough’ is a common autopilot thought,” Marchand says. “But how do you know that you aren’t good enough? You don’t. It’s an autopilot script. And you wouldn’t be aware of this if you weren’t taking the time to be mindfully aware of your thoughts.”
Left unchallenged, negative autopilot thoughts can gain momentum. As a result, they spin out of control and create more negative self-talk.
“The more time we focus on any particular train of thought, the more energy and momentum it gathers,” says author and life coach Sharon Ballantine. “In other words, when we feel happy and keep that focus, we get happier and happier. But when we feel bad in any way and keep that focus, we feel worse by the minute until we end up miserable.”
To change this, we first need to make a conscious effort to accept the present moment, no matter what it entails.
“This is the single most important concept of mindfulness,” Marchand says. “Autopilot always wants things to be different. So the only way out of the autopilot trap is complete and total acceptance. We need to acknowledge our current feelings -- and then relax with them.”
We then need to develop an awareness of which thoughts are beneficial and which aren't. This is one of the most important keys to change.
“We need to ask ourselves if our self-talk is making us feel good or bad,” Ballantine says. “The answer to this question will help you know which direction you want to keep perpetuating.”
But we don’t want to blindside ourselves with too much tough love. In other words, it’s essential to acknowledge these thoughts with an attitude of compassion.
“From compassion, love arises. And this includes love for the self,” Marchand says. “It’s easy to beat ourselves up when we notice negative thoughts, but what good does that do? You wouldn’t like it if someone pelted you with negatives. So why would you treat yourself this same way?”
Once we have committed to an attitude of compassion, we then can redirect. One way to do this is through compassion meditation. This creates a sense of inner peace and acceptance.
“To practice compassion meditation, sit for about five minutes with your focus on compassion itself,” Marchand says. “Begin by focusing on your breath, and then move into a meditative state. Use a mantra, which is a word or phrase repeated during meditation. A great way to start is by saying ’May I be happy…May I be healthy…May I have peace.’ This takes the mind to a more positive, self-accepting place. And don’t fret if your mind wanders. That’s just a part of meditation.”
Another way to improve self-talk is to set an intention of happy thoughts in general. This action opens the door for positive change.
“Start to fantasize about a past memory, anticipate an upcoming fun event, do an activity you like or call a positive friend,” Ballantine says. “Choose any thought pattern or activity that makes you feel good. The idea is to stop the negative momentum so you can redirect it.”
It's important to challenge what we say to ourselves. In fact, it's essential to start the process of change.
“Positive self-talk is crucial to our wellbeing,” Ballantine says. “Self-talk determines how we feel about ourselves. When you find yourself focusing on negative self-talk, take a deep breath and say to yourself 'STOP.' Then, take another deep breath and choose another direction to focus in.”
This act helps to improve the general outlook on life. As a result, it create more positive thoughts and an overall better self-image.
“We greatly increase our self-esteem through our positive self-talk,” Ballantine says. “How we make ourselves feel through our positive self-talk will help us manifest what we want in our lives. In other words, what we think about, we create.”
Just remember to take the time to appreciate your efforts during this process. After all, you deserve a little tender loving care.
“Create and perpetuate positive self-talk by appreciating yourself,” Ballantine says. “And if do you start negative self-talk, don't judge yourself. This is natural. Simply redirect by making an effort to find something positive to focus on.”
At the end of the day, the choice to redirect your thoughts is yours and yours alone. And choosing to say yes to this concept just might change your life.
“Remember that positive self-talk will help you create what you want in your life,” Ballantine says. “There’s no magic thing. You just have to notice it and make a new choice.”