As you’re heading to the restroom, you can’t help but notice something odd. Robin is cowering in a corner as Nick seems to be lecturing her.
Being the curious person that you are, you sneak in to get a better ear on the situation.
“I told you that you would screw up the chicken,” Nick calmly says to Robin. He’s so calm it’s almost eerie. “You can’t do anything right, Robin,” he continues. “You really can’t.”
Robin meekly responds, saying “I know. I’ll try harder. I am a terrible cook.”
You’re freaked out. In fact, you’re so disturbed that you skip “the call” and head straight back to the living room to tell your husband what you’ve just seen. He’s as confused as you are. Really, Nick seems like the nicest guy in the world.
In a matter of seconds, Nick and Robin reemerge, hand in hand. Nick jovially smiles as Robin gives him a kiss on the cheek. And with that, dinner is served.
Sound crazy? It’s not.
The hypothetical situation may seem bizarre. However, it’s more common than one would think.
When people think of domestic violence, physical abuse comes to mind. But emotional abuse is just as powerful and destructive. It’s domestic violence in the subtle form.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), nearly fifty percent of both men and women have experienced emotional abuse (defined as psychologically aggressive behavior) by an intimate partner. And four out of ten women and men have been subject to coercive control by a partner or spouse at some point during their lives. In addition, nearly 18 percent of women have experienced emotional abuse in the form of a partner or spouse trying to prevent them from seeing family or friends.
Unfortunately, these concerning statistics don’t stop with adults. They extend to teens and tweens.
According to Safe Voices, 26 percent of teenage girls have been verbally abused. That’s over one in four teens. And 62 percent of tweens (defined as those between the ages of 11 and 14) who have dated report knowing friends who have been subject to emotional abuse. Further, just half of tweens even know what a bad relationship entails.
This brings us to two important questions. First, just what does emotional abuse really entail? And second, what is the boundary between arguing and emotional abuse? Many adults don’t even know the answer to these confusing questions.
“Emotional abuse is when you use words to try to harm somebody to make them feel less than what they are, and when you’re trying to take away their dignity,” says Christopher Holly, a practicing social worker based out of Illinois. “There’s also the aspect of emotional violence as control, which is what people use to control how other people behave.”
When it comes to emotional abuse, this control can be all-consuming. That’s why this type of abuse is so deceitful.
“Typically, abusers are looking for people that they can manipulate and control. But what they’re saying is not reality,” says Holly. “Their theme and hurtful words are a cruelty designed to create control.”
Emotional abuse is dangerous in a number of ways. For starters, it affects how the abused begin to view themselves.
“Emotional abuse is dangerous when it comes to self-esteem,” says Holly. “When somebody uses words, it’s just as violent sometimes as somebody who uses a fist. The effects on how a person thinks about themselves and the value they place on themselves can be swept away.”
In addition, emotional abuse can make it difficult to function in the real world. Simple tasks lead to feelings of doubt as a result of the abuser’s consistent negative reinforcement. “It leaves a person really vulnerable and incapable of handling simple daily challenges or decisions,” says Holly.
Even more confusing, this type of abuse can be both blatant and subtle. “For example, somebody may drop milk on the floor when he or she comes home from the grocery store and the abuser says ‘you’re so stupid, you can’t do anything right.’ That’s outright emotional abuse,” says Holly. “But someone could also silently manipulate a person by not talking to them during an argument. That’s also abusive.”
Holly says that the difference between regular arguing and actual emotional abuse can often come down to the way conflict is handled once the situation at hand has ended.
“If people say things that they don’t mean and then apologize for them, then that’s different. Sometimes people say things when they’re angry that they don’t mean,” says Holly. “But when you say it over and over again, sooner or later you have to consider whether it’s emotionally abusive.”
To determine whether a relationship is emotionally abusive, Holly says there are four questions that should be asked.
1. Is somebody saying this over and over again even though it doesn’t make sense logically?
2. Does this person say this over and over again and never say anything nice and kind?
3. Does he or she ever apologize for saying the things that are wrong?
4. Does he or she continue to do it despite being told the words hurt?
If it is determined that the person involved is emotionally abusive, one of two things should happen. “Either the abuser needs to get help or the relationship has to end,” says Holly. “It’s that simple.”
If the relationship does end, there is hope that life will once again be healthy in the way of relationships. “You bounce back by being able to have relationships with appropriate people who have healthy ways of communicating and expressing themselves,” says Holly. “Everybody gets angry, but some people have a better way of expressing it and not creating hurt and distress as a result. Over time, a person’s psyche (the makeup of your psychological perspective on people in the world) is able to heal. And one learns better how to validate oneself.”
If a relationship has been deemed abusive, it’s also important to talk to someone who understands these types of situations, whether the victim decides to stay or go.
“Typically, you want to seek out counseling or you want to talk to somebody at an abuse shelter in order to assess if this is really abuse and to decide what to do about the situation,” says Holly. “Emotional abuse is something that happens to a lot of people. It’s not as terribly uncommon as folks would like to believe, but many people are able to escape their abusers and live emotionally healthy lives with appropriate partners.”
Emotional abuse is every bit as serious as physical abuse. Stop the cycle today.