However, there are right and wrong ways to argue. And learning to argue the right way can benefit both your health and your relationship.
Part of healthy arguing is knowing what topics can lead to disagreement. These are topics that you may want to think about before jumping into a battle without a plan.
According to Daily Mail, research conducted by Esure revealed that money, laziness, and tuning a partner out are among the top reasons for arguing. Further, snoring, speedy driving and dinner choices can fuel the fire. And of course, sex and saying “I love you” made the list.
If you’re going to approach these or any other topics, you’ll want to know what not to do. That’s because maintaining a stable relationship is often about understanding and respecting these boundaries.
According to Dr. Frederic Neuman, there are several unhealthy arguing styles. The first of these involves domination. When a person tries to dominate a friend or partner, it's about being in charge. But in the long run, this approach can lead to resentment.
Name calling is a no-no. It’s never healthy to call others names. Your goal isn’t to insult a friend, spouse or family member, no matter how angry you are. So hold your tongue in this respect.
Of equal importance, refrain from putting another person down or bringing up comparisons to someone you don’t like. For example, Neuman says that saying “you’re just like your mother” would be unhealthy. Never hurt someone you love in this manner.
Plus, the past should be left there. What’s important is the present. If a past issue has been solved, leave it there. Don’t rehash spilled milk. And if it’s that important to bring up the past, set up a time to discuss the issue. Counseling may even be needed to bridge difficult topics.
Another unhealthy argument style involves abuse by physically threatening another person. You shouldn’t destroy your environment or try to scare the person with whom you have had a disagreement. Breaking or punching things is just plain terrifying. Keep your calm in any situation that you face.
Further, try not to nag. No one wants to be followed around and taunted. You’re not five. You’re an adult, so act like it.
And along these same lines, don’t pull back on a promise and decide not to do something that has already been agreed to. Two wrongs don’t make a right. This is an unfair act that should be avoided in any argument.
And, of course, Neuman reminds readers not to sulk or stand in silence to punish or upset your partner. Too many people do this. Silence and sulking are bad words in the world of arguments. No one deserves the silent treatment.
So how do you argue in a healthy manner?
The first step is to do just that -- argue. Some couples will try not to fight because arguing feels wrong. However, arguing is an essential part of a healthy relationship.
According to Women’s Health, arguing sweeps out negative emotions. When we bottle things up, they’re eventually going to surface. So we’ve got to voice our disagreements to clear the air.
“Fighting is good and productive because it clears the emotional channels of frustration, resentment and anger, which can lead to behaviors that create conflict," relationship expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, tells Women’s Health.
To counter these feelings, say what you are feeling in a productive manner. This means choosing your words wisely.
According to You Beauty, researchers have found that the wording you choose can keep arguments in check. One study, published in the journal Health Psychology, found that cognitive processing words could keep arguments under control. You Beauty says that words like think, consider, understand, because and reason are examples of this. These words show that you’re both listening to and processing the argument at hand.
Find a healthy compromise regarding the argument in which you’re involved. "You don't need to find the best answer; just something that you're both willing to try, and see how it goes," Dr. Bob Montgomery, president of the Australian Psychological Society, tells Body and Soul. In truth, there may be no right or wrong -- just differing views.
You’ll also want to begin by establishing a mental direction for the argument itself. The worst thing you can do is jump into an argument with no thoughts as to why you’re arguing and what you would like to accomplish. This just adds fuel to the fire.
According to Live Happy, the best way to do this is employ visualization techniques. An example of this would be how you approach a disagreement about who will make dinner. Show how the result of the argument will benefit both you and your partner.
Further, you’ll want to do what Live Happy refers to as describing and not evaluating. This means describing what you’re arguing about without adding judgment. This keeps your partner from bristling up.
For example, you’ll want to describe what happened as opposed to why you feel that it happened. Adding your own spin will only push your partner away or add to the heat of the argument itself. Don’t add emotion that doesn’t serve you both in a healthy manner.And be sure to listen to what your partner says in return. Too many arguments turn into “me, me, me” situations. A healthy argument involves two parties sharing views.
That said, if things do get out of control, a hiatus may be needed. Come back to the disagreement later. "Take time to cool down and get clear on your goals," Montgomery tells Body and Soul. "Then make a time to discuss the issue when you're calmer."
And remember that change doesn’t occur at the speed of light. "All successful relationships involve acceptance," adds Montgomery. "You need to ask, 'How important is this to me?' There are always going to be some aspects of your partner that grate."