The thought of sex with a new partner can be scary. But you can and will learn how to get back in the saddle. (No pun intended.)
Following are the stories of three older women who have learned to love sex again. These are no-holds-barred tales of just what sex is like when you’re not 22.
Hold onto your hats, ladies. This ride is about to get steamy.
P.S. We’ve changed names as a request of our new friends.
Veronica, 40…Love your body, and your sex life will follow.
Veronica had been in a relationship for most of her adult life. That is, until the man she thought she was going to marry started staying out late at night. Priorities of love and family turned into all-night drinking binges.
Veronica was forced to make the decision that many women must make. That decision was to start a new life. In her 30s, she became a single mom on a mission. She was going to rediscover great sex.
“I have always been the type of person who loves sex,” Veronica says. “So I didn’t want things to be different as a middle-aged, single woman. I am very in tune with my body and my sexuality.”
In truth, Veronica was scared that this would change with age. Of course it did. However, this change was a good thing.
“As I really got into my 30s, I realized that I was not the same 20-something that I used to be when I was single,” she says. “I didn’t have the body I used to.”
Determined to rediscover her sexy, she decided to embrace her changes -- curves included. And with that, she went from drab to fab.
“I embraced every inch and curve,” she says. “I used my eyes, my ‘girls,’ my personality and my sexuality to get what I wanted.”
Along with this came a new realization of just who she was. She may have changed, but sex was only going to get better.
“Sure, the body wasn't what it once was. It had now had a child and had more lumps than I wanted,” she humorously adds. “But this didn't stop me from loving myself and the sex that came along with it.”
This was when she realized that, as the old saying goes, a little cushion can be better for the “pushin.'” And she loved every minute of it.
“Wow, who would have thought that having a few extra pounds can add to your sex life? I was always afraid of hurting the guy by being on top during sex. But I was wrong,” she says. “Men love a woman who has curves, who is thick and who knows how to love her body.”
She wants all single women with curves to take that leap and climb on top. In other words, stop worrying about what he might think.
“Being on top gave me a new freedom. I was in control in the bedroom. I called the shots,” she says. “The guys I was having sex with could penetrate me deeper, and that was exactly what I wanted.”
These days, she’s used her sexual freedom to discover new positions. And that’s given her the ability to love the “Big O.”
“Now I love doggy style,” she says. “I mean, I love having my hair pulled, to be spanked and knowing the guy is holding onto me. And yes, I do orgasm.”
Further, she’s discovered the famous G-spot. This is something she didn’t know about in her 20s.
“As I approached my mid-thirties, I realized that there is a certain spot that can cause a woman to ejaculate just like a man,” she says. “That was a huge surprise the first time it happened to me. I thought something was wrong with me, but I was totally mistaken.”
The moral of the story is this: As you’re rediscovering your spark, embrace who you are. After all, confidence is the key to great sex at an older age.
“If you aren't secure with yourself, then you aren't going to be secure with him,” she says. “Know what turns you on and communicate that with your partner. They need directions. Being able to be vocal about your needs is the key to steamy sex.”
Alexus, 42…Be careful of STD’s. They just might strike when you least expect it.
Alexus was the last person you’d expect to get divorced. Conservative and family- oriented, she thought marriage would be forever. That is until her husband told her he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be married anymore.
“I was devastated,” says Alexus. “I felt that the right thing to do was to work it out, but I also knew that deep down I wasn’t happy either.”
Sex as a single woman terrified Alexus because she had always been raised to have a monogamous relationship. She was faced with a new reality -- and that reality was how to define sexual boundaries in middle age.
“While I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, I hadn’t had many partners,” she says. “And I didn’t want to become the kind of person who had a sexual free-for-all.”
Then Tim came along. Tall, dark and handsome, Tim swept her off her feet.
“He was everything I’d never had -- spontaneous, funny, and charming in this bad boy kind of way,” she says. “I’d never wanted to have sex with someone so badly in my entire life. It was like every fiber of my being just kind of woke up.”
Of course, Alexus had the requisite STD talk with Tim. And she trusted him.
“I asked him if he’d been tested, and he showed me the results of his latest doctor’s exam,” she says. “I believed him, but being that I was a child of the AIDS era, I only thought to look for that when it came to tests.”
Unfortunately, Alexus was naïve. She made the biggest mistake that recently single middle-aged women make. She had unprotected sex.
“The sex was phenomenal. He did things to me that I didn’t even know were possible,” she says. “But then I started to itch in a way I’d never experienced.”
Thinking she had a yeast infection, Alexus went to the gynecologist. And, boy, did she get a surprise.
“He came in with this serious look on his face. I was terrified,” she says. “And that’s when he told me that I had contracted trichomonas. I didn’t even know what that was. It was humiliating.”
When she tried to talk to Tim about the situation, he told her that he was not responsible for the STD. She was mortified.
“It was like something you’d see on Lifetime. He said ‘well, you didn’t get it from me,’ and that was the end of it,” she says. “I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed for two days. I felt dirty, used and deceived.”
Alexus learned the lesson that many single women learn the hard way. That lesson is to use condoms until you are both tested together.
“I’m in a new relationship now, and I’ve asked him to get tested in front of me,” she says. “Until that time, there will be no sex without condoms.”
The moral of the story is that as an older woman, you’ve got to be smart. If you’re not going to use condoms, protect your health and know your – and your partner's -- status.
Carrie, 65…Yes, things still “work” at an older age.
Carrie had been in a relationship for over 20 years. Secure and happy, she wasn’t expecting the surprise she was about to get.
“He randomly dumped me and moved to Florida,” Carrie says. “Being that I was over 60, I thought I wasn’t marketable.”
Friends had a different opinion. They told her to join Match.com. That’s when she met Seth. Coincidentally, Seth had the same name as her ex. And he had the sex drive of a 20-year-old.
“It’s like someone turned the switch off. And with this man, they turned the switch back on,” says Carrie. “Oh man, it was hot! I didn’t think sex like that was imaginable for two people so old.”
The problem was that Carrie wasn’t ready for a lasting commitment. Unfortunately, Seth was.
“I would have been happy if it would have been sex only, but he wanted more, and I couldn’t give more,” she says. “An afternoon delight would have been perfect.”
The thing that shocked Carrie most was that everything functioned just as it should. This was a pleasant surprise.
“After menopause it was like there was no desire, and I thought sex was just something I enjoyed a long time ago,” Carrie says. “Then this just kind of sparked everything. Things worked just fine.”
We’re going to get matter-of-fact here for a minute: The common belief is that older women need lubricant. But Carrie says this isn’t always true.
“It felt like when I was younger -- but almost better,” Carrie says. “The magic was there. It was different because you didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant. We both knew that we were safe. And yes, my body lubricated itself.”
So remember that when you’re afraid the pipes won’t work the way they’re supposed to. They still do. You can still have phenomenal sex at any age. And if you do need lubricant or your experiences are less than ideal, don’t beat yourself up. Everyone’s body is different. Finding a caring, supportive partner makes all the difference.