Since the publication of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s groundbreaking 1969 book On Death and Dying, which first listed the theory of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, fear, grief, acceptance), society has come to grips with this most fundamental aspect of life, dying. No longer are the sick left with religion and nervous silence as their departure nears. Rather, there is a whole catechism of how to deal with death and particularly how to tell loved ones the news once you get a terminal diagnosis.
That’s not to say that finding the right words is easy. What you tell people is a very personal choice, often a mix of comfort, support and grief mixed with regrets, instructions and wisdom. It’s a statement that is as much about your survivors as it is about you and your condition. It’s preparation for a time when you will no longer be able to impart your wishes and your love, a summation of what you have done in your own life and what you hope they accomplish in their own time.
One thing that may surprise someone confronted with the opportunity to tell a loved one of their terminal condition is that the conversation never ends. You should be prepared to see the relationship change, and you should be open to the new possibilities created by that change. Your unresolved conflicts, the depth of your relationships and certainly its strengths will be challenged by this news.
You should also be aware that however someone reacts, it may not be the reaction you expect. Some people cope differently with grief, and you may see some shut down, go numb, or be engulfed in a frenzy of activity and planning. You probably should do as much listening as you can to their ideas without being a counselor. There is no right way for someone to react, and while we all have a certain hope that the news will not be painful or emotionally debilitating, you should be prepared for anything.